Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
