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last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
