I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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