I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Can I color on your dick again?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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