I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
