awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
