I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
did i walk over a car last night?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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