just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
