Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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