So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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