I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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