I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
