she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
