I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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