After last night, I could never be a politician.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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