so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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