non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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