Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
