I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
