And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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