then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
