FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
