I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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