also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
