my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
