Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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