There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
