Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
