youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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