You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize