I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
