So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
