If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
