"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
