i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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