You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
