My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
