My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
