My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
