Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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