Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize