dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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