I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
