I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
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