I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
