i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
