Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize