i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
