Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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