I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
