drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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