what day is it and did you see me today?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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