The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
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