She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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