you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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